Hypnotize Your Children

We spend aproximately 1/3 of our life sleeping. I spend the next 1/3 of my life with my kid. Sure she's messy and she has 1000 times more energy than any mere mortal but she's SOOOOOOO cute, it's hard to just leave her to fend for herself in the wilderness. So! What can an infinitely slower, somewhat tidier parent with a mild phobia of baby poo do to stay in control? It's simple with the use of Jedi Mind control.

Life with a 2 year old is easy when you follow these simple steps!

Step 1 - Lay off the sugar. Sugar creates a "chemical imbalance" in your child that inhibits their ability to focus or control their energy or mood. It's poison I tell ya, POISON!

Think about how much candy it takes to make you feel like puking. If you're normal, it's not much. That's the sign of your body rejecting the crap you're putting in it. Now concider the size of your kid and realize that to scale, one candybar is like eating 5 for an adult. Not to mention that the organs we use to process these poisons are still maturing in these little monkeys. Feed them, and yourself GOOD things damit!

Step 2 - Get a spine! Or some ear plugs, or both. I hate loud noises in general so a kid screaming is infernal torture to my psychie. But if a kid is screaming because she doesn't get her way, DON'T give in.

Screaming about something is the first tool babies have to communicate and they learn to use it well. They cry for food, they cry for a fresh diaper they cry for attention. When they get old enough to do things outside the realm of eat, crap and sleep, they'll try to cry for more specific things, like a toy, or candy or to go outside, or to have the handcuffs removed. If you give in to something just because they're screaming about it, their tool gets stronger and they control YOU! Not to mention the fact that it doesn't encourage or develop their more sophisticated communication tools like using words and asking for things politely, or coming up with clever plans to dispose of their parents without anyone knowing.

Step 3 - Pacing and Leading. This is an ancient rapport building technique used by any and all people who dominate you in your daily life without you even knowing it. It is a much more powerful manipulation technique than the "Threat of Pain" technique that can lead to mutiny and an all out coup. (See clever plans... above).

To put it simply this technique means, act like them so they will act like you. If it's bed time and they're running around like crazy, run with them, laugh with them, act like a fool with them. When you know you're working on the same level start to change your behaviour towards going to bed. Not too fast of course. Introduce things slowly. Start to slow down a little, change their clothes in a playful way, breathe slower, yawn a bit, act tired, say you're tired and you want to go to bed etc.

If you do it right, it won't take more that a few minutes to change their state from bouncy to sleepy. Especially if they're not hopped up on SUGAR! From there, just follow your regular routine for bed time and they should be out without protest. You do have a regular routine for bedtime don't you? By doing the same things every night in the exact same way, you essentially program their minds to go to sleep whenever that sequence of events happens. Change clothes, brush teeth, read a book, sing a song, lights out. NO PROBLEM!

If all else fails, sell them on e-bay.